So, where am I now

I'm not exactly sure where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post and I don't want to do a recap of the past year or so. I think it is important to mention here that in April I started a 12-step study with a group of women. Here I was able to face my guilt and shame about my anger and work on issues on a deeper level. Perhaps you're wondering what this has to do with food and I say a lot. Food was my drug of choice and totally justifiable because it's legal. But, underneath my dependence on food was an angry woman and she was the one I needed to get to know. As I got to know her I began to understand that even though I had issues with food I had even more issues. I for the first time recognized that there was a pattern to my anger outbursts. I would move along fine for about a week to two weeks and then BAM! I'd blow up about something. I felt like a victim. How could I possibly go on like this. I didn't know when I was going to explode next, it felt frightening. As I continued in group therapy I found myself catching the anger cycle mid-way. I was able to take the things that were frustrating me and talk about them, write about them, and process it mentally and verbally. Then I was able to re-set the cycle. It felt great. It felt awesome. Now, kind of around the same time that I was making some discoveries about my anger I chose to follow the Daniel fast in October and I did great. I was ready for it and it was so encouraging. As far as a spiritual experience it didn't "feel" like one, but I learned a lot and I lost seven pounds. This was a big deal to me. After being so successful and feeling healthy I decided to do the fast again, in January. During Christmas I totally enjoyed chocolate and pizza. January 2nd I began the Daniel fast. The mechanics were a breeze. I already knew what I could eat, what I liked and how to cook it, and most importantly for me, I knew that I could do it. This month I've put more focus into the "spiritual" side of the fast. I really felt the Lord leading me towards putting discipline into practice in my life. I have struggled with it for years and now as I watch my children grow I see that they too lack self-discipline. I had an emotional breakdown about mid-month and it forced me to take a look at my life and how I'm living. I've decided to make some changes in our home and it's going to be an adjustment on everyone in the family. I also, and this is huge, see how much I've been medicating my pain with food. When the going got tough I didn't have my usual "fix". I had two anger cycles hit me back to back and I wasn't ready and they'd never been that close. I felt like I didn't get to recover and it was OVERWHELMING. I briefly considered breaking my fast since things were so stressful, but decided otherwise. I had been praying and asking the Lord to deliver me from my unhealthy dependence on food and it was going to be during this time; walking through this very difficult time that I was forcing myself to comfort myself with something other than food. WOW!! I have been praying, journaling, reading my Bible, and seeking the ears of my faithful accountability partners and I am getting through. Hallelujah! Next month I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I'm feeling much more confident that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am seeing the work he's doing me. I am encouraged to continue eating better because again I've lost more weight and my goal weight is looking so much closer and "feels" achievable. I am so thankful that I chose to follow the Daniel fast in October and that I committed myself and was successful. I am also thankful for the struggles I faced this month because they have produce perseverance. It reminds me of what Paul says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2,3. I have so much more to learn, but this is progress, and progress is progress. Thanks for reading.