So, where am I now

I'm not exactly sure where to begin. A lot has happened since my last post and I don't want to do a recap of the past year or so. I think it is important to mention here that in April I started a 12-step study with a group of women. Here I was able to face my guilt and shame about my anger and work on issues on a deeper level. Perhaps you're wondering what this has to do with food and I say a lot. Food was my drug of choice and totally justifiable because it's legal. But, underneath my dependence on food was an angry woman and she was the one I needed to get to know. As I got to know her I began to understand that even though I had issues with food I had even more issues. I for the first time recognized that there was a pattern to my anger outbursts. I would move along fine for about a week to two weeks and then BAM! I'd blow up about something. I felt like a victim. How could I possibly go on like this. I didn't know when I was going to explode next, it felt frightening. As I continued in group therapy I found myself catching the anger cycle mid-way. I was able to take the things that were frustrating me and talk about them, write about them, and process it mentally and verbally. Then I was able to re-set the cycle. It felt great. It felt awesome. Now, kind of around the same time that I was making some discoveries about my anger I chose to follow the Daniel fast in October and I did great. I was ready for it and it was so encouraging. As far as a spiritual experience it didn't "feel" like one, but I learned a lot and I lost seven pounds. This was a big deal to me. After being so successful and feeling healthy I decided to do the fast again, in January. During Christmas I totally enjoyed chocolate and pizza. January 2nd I began the Daniel fast. The mechanics were a breeze. I already knew what I could eat, what I liked and how to cook it, and most importantly for me, I knew that I could do it. This month I've put more focus into the "spiritual" side of the fast. I really felt the Lord leading me towards putting discipline into practice in my life. I have struggled with it for years and now as I watch my children grow I see that they too lack self-discipline. I had an emotional breakdown about mid-month and it forced me to take a look at my life and how I'm living. I've decided to make some changes in our home and it's going to be an adjustment on everyone in the family. I also, and this is huge, see how much I've been medicating my pain with food. When the going got tough I didn't have my usual "fix". I had two anger cycles hit me back to back and I wasn't ready and they'd never been that close. I felt like I didn't get to recover and it was OVERWHELMING. I briefly considered breaking my fast since things were so stressful, but decided otherwise. I had been praying and asking the Lord to deliver me from my unhealthy dependence on food and it was going to be during this time; walking through this very difficult time that I was forcing myself to comfort myself with something other than food. WOW!! I have been praying, journaling, reading my Bible, and seeking the ears of my faithful accountability partners and I am getting through. Hallelujah! Next month I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I'm feeling much more confident that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am seeing the work he's doing me. I am encouraged to continue eating better because again I've lost more weight and my goal weight is looking so much closer and "feels" achievable. I am so thankful that I chose to follow the Daniel fast in October and that I committed myself and was successful. I am also thankful for the struggles I faced this month because they have produce perseverance. It reminds me of what Paul says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2,3. I have so much more to learn, but this is progress, and progress is progress. Thanks for reading.

This is harder than I thought

Presently I am holding my ground. Weight fluctuations are within a few pounds and that's normal. I am done nursing so any extra calories used for that are now being stored as fat. I thought that just cutting back a bit was going to do the trick, but cutting back without any clear goal in mind usually results in not seeing a difference in the scales and frustration. I have sporadically worked out, either jogging or weight-training, depending on what I did the day before. Again, my workouts haven't produced the desired results.
Realizing that the nursing has merely delayed weight-gain and now that I'm done I'm determined to get more serious about this. I've been following a plan, not to the letter, but honestly with what I can and I'm seeing some little changes, positive changes. It is rather sobering to see how much effort I must put forth in order to see a little bit of change. This is not for the faint of heart. And if I want to continue to see the change I'm going to have to stay commited to the goal that I'm making, or else all the effort is lost. This is not a quick fix, but it's not impossible. This is where I see the top of the mountain, but it's still a ways off.

From Self-Control to Discipline

I was talking with my good friend yesterday and the subject of my fast came up. Through the discussion it became evident to me that in some ways my fasting all foods was easier than my Daniel fast now. Easier because, it was so simple-no food. Now with the Daniel fast I can have food, but it is strictly limited. I am having to discipline myself to eat the foods that I should and avoid the ones I'm not to have. Galations 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Spring Cleaning !

Perhaps this isn't a title you would expect for a blog about weight-loss, but in this case it is a pretty good fit.

I had pretty much gone back to all of my bad eating habits, and homemade chocolate chip cookies everyday was becoming a new habit. During my on-line college class I've been researching the conflict between Christianity and Islam, and through my research I have grown in my relationship with my savior, Jesus Christ. Recently, I felt His spirit prompting me to fast. I didn't know the specifics, how long, whether it would be no solids, just liquids. I just knew I wanted to fast. I woke up Thursday morning and decided to start that day. I also decided to take it one day at a time. I picked up a book at the library called "fasting: Opening the door to a deeper, more intimate, more powerful relationship with God" written by, Jentezen Franklin. My initial reasons for fasting had nothing to do with weight-loss, it was in response to the tug in my spirit, but as I think about my goals for this fast weight-loss will be a natural side effect. More importantly than losing some excess weight is the excitement I have of demolishing the stronghold that food has over me. It will not be my god. I will not run to food for all my needs.
BUT this fast is bringing about more than just losing weight and transforming my relationship with food. My spirit is more open to the Lord and I am drawing closer to Him. Everyday I am adding things to my list of things I am expecting God to do in my life, like (anger issues, mothering issues, being a better wife, etc.) I am on day 7 and I have a goal of 21 days, but like I said before, I'm taking it one day at a time. I say this is Spring Cleaning because this is a chance not only to shed off a few unwanted pounds and cleanse my body, but a cleansing of my soul and spirit. I just think I might put this at the top of my list of priorities for Spring Cleaning each year.

Back to the drawing board

Who is it that has said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different result? Yeah, well, it seems to best explain my current status.

Recently I got a book by Elyse Fitzpatrick, Love to Eat, Hate to Eat: Breaking the Bondage of Destructive Eating Habits
It along with some other reading and searching that I am doing is bringing me to this very simple conclusion: I have been trying to change my body from the outside in. I'm imposing rules and restrictions, creating a religion, if you will, of what I eat.

The approach that Elyse speaks about, is one that shifts the focus from weight and food to your relationship to your savior. Until I give him reign over my heart I will continue to find fulfillment in food and other tangible pleasures.

Reading the book and setting aside the "rules" of dieting isn't easy. Learning to evaluate on an individual basis whether I'm hungry or not, and if not why am I wanting to eat, what void am I trying to fill. It is a process that leads me back to Jesus, the one that can truly fill that void within me.

Maintenance or plateau

So, my last post was about a month ago and I was at 160 lbs. and that's where I am today. I guess I could say that I've reached the maintenance level, but I'm far from where I'd like to be. I've got a box of "skinny" clothes waiting for me in the closet and a half opened box of "on the way to skinny clothes". I'm at that awkward stage where my size 14 jeans are really starting to hang off my hips, but the 13's are just a little too tight for my liking (I do like to breathe). I feel most comfy in my stretchy athletic pants, they fit me just right.
I'm continuing to have my ups and downs. My exercise routine is consistent right now and I've managed not to get sick for a month (YIPPEE). I enjoy eating healthy food and then I enjoy eating junk too.
I'd really like to crank things up a notch and get down to 150, so maybe this week I'll take a serious look at my caloric intake and make sure I'm getting in my 5 mini meals and push a little harder during my exercise, you know, turn it up a notch.
Nothing to exciting, just some goals and somewhere in here the determination to reach them.

Uneventful isn't such a bad thing

Soccer season is over and Saturday I woke up feeling a little "under the weather". It was drizzly outside and there was a definite chill in the air, the kind that sinks into your skin and settles in your bones. I was a little on edge and snappy and just wanted to go to bed. We got back home from the soccer field after noon and I had to run to the grocery, with all the kids. After coming back home I ordered everyone to put them away and put myself in bed. Sunday morning I stayed home with a sick child and made a pot roast and cleaned the kitchen. Later, I made ginger pork chops and again tidied the kitchen, with some help. I am going to go to bed soon, my kitchen is somewhat in order, and that just means that dirty dishes aren't stacked all over the counters and in the sink. I get so tired of waking up and looking at my kitchen in such a state. Perhaps, I'm waiting for the morning that I wake up and little fairies have come in the middle of the night and cleaned my kitchen for me.
I've put some oatmeal in the crockpot with some water, apples, and cinnamon, so I will let you know how that turns out. Hopefully it will help me get the day going a little better.
This weekend has been rather uneventful, and I am thankful for that, I needed the rest. My weight is up two pounds, oops, must of been the pizza on Friday and Saturday. Hey, did I tell you this is a diary of a woman who is struggling to overcome her obsession of food. Are you really surprised that I gave in and had pizza.
It is so hard to make food, to mess up your kitchen, to gather your supplies, thank goodness I don't have to worry about the menu, gees that would be another thing. In a matter of minutes I can destroy my kitchen and it might take me a half hour or longer to clean it up, and by the time I've finished cleaning up, it's time to make another meal. Not to mention someone's always coming into the kitchen asking for a snack or complaining about supper, "ewww....I don't like that".
I am to put it plainly, disgruntled. The glass is empty, I'd be good company for Eeyore or Oscar the grouch. Goodnight